Saturday, 28 February 2009

Bloglettes 2: Revenge of the Bloglette.

Welcome to Bloglettes 2: Revenge of the Bloglette.
The response to the first collection of 3 mini-blogs was mostly positive, so here is another dose of random blogage. (Yup, another made up word which will no doubt feature in the title of Bloglettes 3.)

Google Search Terms

Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that most of my traffic is made up of my friends and people who know me from either the real world and the Internet world. I think only a small percentage of my traffic is built up of people who don’t know me.

Occasionally random people trickle through from search engines such as Google. I know this because I use something called Google Analytics to observe my web traffic and I’ll be honest when I say that it’s surprisingly thorough. At first I used to just look at the “Visits” statistic once in a while and leave it there, but one day I found out it does much more than that. It can tell me where every individual visit originates from, what percentage of my traffic use mac vs. windows, what browsers people are using and even how people got to my site.

The other day I noticed that the tab marked Google didn’t just show me the number of people who came to my site from the search engine, but it also showed what search terms people used to find me.

And can I just say…

What the fuck people?

What the fuck?
I clicked a second tab to list the top 20, here is a cropped image from the webpage. (If anyone wants a full print screen of this to prove it’s real, email me.

Now you have read that list, I would like to discuss a few of them.

No. 8 – directors cut o lder cunt
Well I can only assume that this one was supposed to read “Directors Cut Older Cunt” and all I can say to that is I don’t want to know what that guy was looking for.

And I hope to god he didn’t find it here.

No. 9 – drunken pillocks
Ok, this one makes more sense to me. I can imagine somewhere in the world another human being in this unlikely but possible situation where they find themselves typing this into Google. But here is my question…

What the fuck google?

Why did you send them here?!?!?!
Was this some new form of Internet bullying?
Was Google trying to insult me by putting me as a result for this search?
Did Google have a merry little laugh at my expense?

Honestly Google, how in anyway is this website what that guy was looking for? When someone searches for something do you just put every page on the entire internet up in order of relevance hoping that no one will ever catch you out by going to page 890393932 and noticing the sites you’re listing have nothing to do with the original search query?

I tried to look it up. I typed ‘drunken pillocks’ into google and went through the first 80 pages and didn’t find anywhere. I gave up after that, but someone didn’t. I accepted the possibility that someone searched this phrase, but I genuinely can’t understand anyone going through 80 plus pages of that.

Of course the jokes on me, because now I have used the term so many times I will probably feature near the top of the results now.

12. lonely hearts in bournemouth
Oh Google.
Your words cut me so deep.
Why must you continue to hurt me?

On what plane of existence does Google assume I’m a lonely heart?
Can I just clear up the fact that I have a girlfriend who I have been with for nearly 4 years now.

15. procrastination in a.a.
Well, I have to assume this is in reference to Alcoholics Anonymous and not the Automobile Association. They procrastinate enough for everyone.

It makes sense that someone found me through this, I did after all write an entire blog on the Art of Procrastination. But seriously that’s just sad, why go to AA meetings if you just want to Procrastinate?

I have an idea.
If you want to procrastinate, get drunk.
Boring things go by real fast when you’re drunk.

17. sledgehammer head smash
I understand how this lead to me. I wrote an article entitled “Fun Time’s With Sledgehammers”.

But seriously.
If you are the person who found this site through that search term…
Click off this site.
Leave your living room.
Leave your house.
Get in your car or use public transport.
Get out at your nearest hospital.
And go see a doctor.

That or go throw yourself into a lake.
Whichever suits you.

World of Warcraft ruins lives.

It's true, I swear.

As some of you know, a few weeks ago my Internet was down. Now moving on from the fact that during that week I leaned exactly how pathetic and hopelessly dependent I am on the damn Internet. I found myself spending large quantities of time in Internet cafes. And even thought I hated the expensive, slow, smelly, noisy and generally irritating experience that going to the Internet cafe is. There was one moment that made me chuckle.

I was sat there reading Screenwriter Danny Stacks insightfull blog (which can be found at He owes me for that tremendous plug.) when I was disturbed by the sound of someone's phone ringing. And since I was in a foul mood already, I turned with the intention of giving the guy a good staring at to make it known exactly how annoyed I was at his disturbance. But when I saw his face I decided against it, he looked like he was about to throw up. He had turned Green, genuine panic and sadness etched on his face. I don’t think he needed a glance from me to upset him any further.

Judging from the phone call I then overheard, it seems that he had been at the café longer than he should have been and had missed a job interview. I felt even more sorry for the guy when I turned and noticed he had been playing World of Warcraft.

But he was, on this day, rather lucky. He managed to get another interview for a couple of hours later that same day. I turned back to my computer and forgot all about it. ‘A happy ending’ I thought to myself.

2 hours later the sound of another ring tone pulls me out of my deep and thought provoking email session. (Being honest, I’m lucky if I send emails that even have coherent thoughts in them, let alone thought provoking ones.)

Suddenly I felt Deja vu.
It’s the same guy answering his phone.
He missed the interview.

How is that even possible? A single fuck up is understandable, BUT twice?
Once again I noticed that he had been sucked back into the World of Warcraft, explaining his irrational behavior. Needless to say that it didn’t seem like he got a third chance. He left pretty quickly after that, looking pretty upset.

So there you have it. World of Warcraft, apparently a game so addictive that it will make you miss a job interview.

Thus proving my theory that World of Warcraft ruins lives.

Where oh where is his Oscar?

Someone explain to me why oh why does Mickey Rourke NOT have an Oscar right now?
And similarly, why the fuck does Specoli?

I’m sorry but that’s a complete joke.
Mickey Rourke gave one of the most incredible performances I have EVER seen in ‘The Wrestler’ and it is beyond a travesty that god dammed Sean Penn got the damn thing.

And while we are on the subject, why was the Dark Knight not in the running for best picture?
You would think earning over a BILLION dollars would have some weight with the Academy.
But noo.
You would think having critical acclaim from almost every source would have some weight with the Academy
But noo.
You would think having one of the actors involved also being nominated for best supporting would have some weight with the Academy.
But noo.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that superhero movies aren’t usually Oscar worthy, but come on, it didn’t need to win. Just a nomination, a nod to give it the respect and credit it deserved.

The reader?
Who’s dick is that film sucking?

And on that absurd note, my second round of bloglettes comes to a close.

Thanks for reading.

PS: Yes I do realise that by putting the phrase’s ‘dick’ and ‘sucking’ in such close proximity I am tempting fate and simply making myself an easy target for Google to mock with it’s list. Next thing I know one of the search terms used to find my site will be the 'biggest twat faced little wanker in the world'.

PPS: And yes, I also realise that I referred to Google as if it was a real person in this blog and I don’t care. It’s a bullying little no-it-all that needs to be put in its place. No matter what my parents tell me, ignoring it won’t make it go away. Bully’s don’t bore that easily.

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