Saturday, 28 February 2009

Bloglettes 2: Revenge of the Bloglette.

Welcome to Bloglettes 2: Revenge of the Bloglette.
The response to the first collection of 3 mini-blogs was mostly positive, so here is another dose of random blogage. (Yup, another made up word which will no doubt feature in the title of Bloglettes 3.)


Google Search Terms

Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that most of my traffic is made up of my friends and people who know me from either the real world and the Internet world. I think only a small percentage of my traffic is built up of people who don’t know me.

Occasionally random people trickle through from search engines such as Google. I know this because I use something called Google Analytics to observe my web traffic and I’ll be honest when I say that it’s surprisingly thorough. At first I used to just look at the “Visits” statistic once in a while and leave it there, but one day I found out it does much more than that. It can tell me where every individual visit originates from, what percentage of my traffic use mac vs. windows, what browsers people are using and even how people got to my site.

The other day I noticed that the tab marked Google didn’t just show me the number of people who came to my site from the search engine, but it also showed what search terms people used to find me.

And can I just say…

What the fuck people?

What the fuck?
I clicked a second tab to list the top 20, here is a cropped image from the webpage. (If anyone wants a full print screen of this to prove it’s real, email me. dan@areyoustilltalking.net)



Now you have read that list, I would like to discuss a few of them.

No. 8 – directors cut o lder cunt
Well I can only assume that this one was supposed to read “Directors Cut Older Cunt” and all I can say to that is I don’t want to know what that guy was looking for.

And I hope to god he didn’t find it here.

No. 9 – drunken pillocks
Ok, this one makes more sense to me. I can imagine somewhere in the world another human being in this unlikely but possible situation where they find themselves typing this into Google. But here is my question…

What the fuck google?

Why did you send them here?!?!?!
Was this some new form of Internet bullying?
Was Google trying to insult me by putting me as a result for this search?
Did Google have a merry little laugh at my expense?

Honestly Google, how in anyway is this website what that guy was looking for? When someone searches for something do you just put every page on the entire internet up in order of relevance hoping that no one will ever catch you out by going to page 890393932 and noticing the sites you’re listing have nothing to do with the original search query?

I tried to look it up. I typed ‘drunken pillocks’ into google and went through the first 80 pages and didn’t find areyoustilltalking.net anywhere. I gave up after that, but someone didn’t. I accepted the possibility that someone searched this phrase, but I genuinely can’t understand anyone going through 80 plus pages of that.

Of course the jokes on me, because now I have used the term so many times I will probably feature near the top of the results now.

12. lonely hearts in bournemouth
Oh Google.
Your words cut me so deep.
Why must you continue to hurt me?

On what plane of existence does Google assume I’m a lonely heart?
Can I just clear up the fact that I have a girlfriend who I have been with for nearly 4 years now.

15. procrastination in a.a.
Well, I have to assume this is in reference to Alcoholics Anonymous and not the Automobile Association. They procrastinate enough for everyone.

It makes sense that someone found me through this, I did after all write an entire blog on the Art of Procrastination. But seriously that’s just sad, why go to AA meetings if you just want to Procrastinate?

I have an idea.
If you want to procrastinate, get drunk.
Boring things go by real fast when you’re drunk.

17. sledgehammer head smash
I understand how this lead to me. I wrote an article entitled “Fun Time’s With Sledgehammers”.

But seriously.
If you are the person who found this site through that search term…
Click off this site.
Leave your living room.
Leave your house.
Get in your car or use public transport.
Get out at your nearest hospital.
And go see a doctor.

That or go throw yourself into a lake.
Whichever suits you.


World of Warcraft ruins lives.

It's true, I swear.

As some of you know, a few weeks ago my Internet was down. Now moving on from the fact that during that week I leaned exactly how pathetic and hopelessly dependent I am on the damn Internet. I found myself spending large quantities of time in Internet cafes. And even thought I hated the expensive, slow, smelly, noisy and generally irritating experience that going to the Internet cafe is. There was one moment that made me chuckle.

I was sat there reading Screenwriter Danny Stacks insightfull blog (which can be found at http://dannystack.blogspot.com/ He owes me for that tremendous plug.) when I was disturbed by the sound of someone's phone ringing. And since I was in a foul mood already, I turned with the intention of giving the guy a good staring at to make it known exactly how annoyed I was at his disturbance. But when I saw his face I decided against it, he looked like he was about to throw up. He had turned Green, genuine panic and sadness etched on his face. I don’t think he needed a glance from me to upset him any further.

Judging from the phone call I then overheard, it seems that he had been at the café longer than he should have been and had missed a job interview. I felt even more sorry for the guy when I turned and noticed he had been playing World of Warcraft.

But he was, on this day, rather lucky. He managed to get another interview for a couple of hours later that same day. I turned back to my computer and forgot all about it. ‘A happy ending’ I thought to myself.

2 hours later the sound of another ring tone pulls me out of my deep and thought provoking email session. (Being honest, I’m lucky if I send emails that even have coherent thoughts in them, let alone thought provoking ones.)

Suddenly I felt Deja vu.
It’s the same guy answering his phone.
Again.
He missed the interview.
AGAIN.

How is that even possible? A single fuck up is understandable, BUT twice?
Once again I noticed that he had been sucked back into the World of Warcraft, explaining his irrational behavior. Needless to say that it didn’t seem like he got a third chance. He left pretty quickly after that, looking pretty upset.

So there you have it. World of Warcraft, apparently a game so addictive that it will make you miss a job interview.
Twice.

Thus proving my theory that World of Warcraft ruins lives.


Where oh where is his Oscar?

Someone explain to me why oh why does Mickey Rourke NOT have an Oscar right now?
And similarly, why the fuck does Specoli?

I’m sorry but that’s a complete joke.
Mickey Rourke gave one of the most incredible performances I have EVER seen in ‘The Wrestler’ and it is beyond a travesty that god dammed Sean Penn got the damn thing.

And while we are on the subject, why was the Dark Knight not in the running for best picture?
You would think earning over a BILLION dollars would have some weight with the Academy.
But noo.
You would think having critical acclaim from almost every source would have some weight with the Academy
But noo.
You would think having one of the actors involved also being nominated for best supporting would have some weight with the Academy.
But noo.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that superhero movies aren’t usually Oscar worthy, but come on, it didn’t need to win. Just a nomination, a nod to give it the respect and credit it deserved.

The reader?
Who’s dick is that film sucking?


And on that absurd note, my second round of bloglettes comes to a close.

Thanks for reading.
Dan

PS: Yes I do realise that by putting the phrase’s ‘dick’ and ‘sucking’ in such close proximity I am tempting fate and simply making myself an easy target for Google to mock with it’s list. Next thing I know one of the search terms used to find my site will be the 'biggest twat faced little wanker in the world'.

PPS: And yes, I also realise that I referred to Google as if it was a real person in this blog and I don’t care. It’s a bullying little no-it-all that needs to be put in its place. No matter what my parents tell me, ignoring it won’t make it go away. Bully’s don’t bore that easily.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Bloglettes

Sometimes I find myself so void of decent ideas for a blog that I simply don’t bother wasting my time and yours writing one. Because the last thing the internet needs is more underdeveloped drivel from me. My message board posts supply enough of that.
This does mean that I might not always post consistently.
And that my friends is my chosen excuse for why I haven’t posted anything for a while. Shear lack of inspiration.

Another thing that becomes an issue when deciding what to write about in this blog is that even though I can have subject in mind, I find I struggled to pull enough coherent thoughts together to write an entire blog on the subject. So lots of little thoughts and bits and bobs go unwritten. So, this time I am going to be experimental and post a couple of Bloglettes. Yes, that’s right, I don’t care if it’s not a word, that’s what they are. So this blog will be a small collection of mini blogs.

Here we go.


This just in…

Don’t you just love this country? The way we react you would think that we have never seen snow before in our entire lives.

“There seems to be a strange white substance falling from the sky… EVERYONE RUN! FIND COVER!”

The fact that it has snowed has actually made news over here.
Is it just me or does that seem really pathetic?

“This just in, in case you’re a moron or haven’t looked out your window lately, it’s snowing. More updates on that as we get them. ”

20 minutes later.

“Just an update on our “Snow” story from earlier this evening. It’s still snowing.”

And the funny thing is, this entire country seems to have come to a halt and I can’t help but ask, why?
Some university’s closed their doors today, huge numbers of trains were cancelled, from what I hear the entire London underground came to a halt last night, 80/90% of shops closed their doors, entire department stores closed and people seem to be avoiding leaving their homes… I don’t understand.
I actually heard them advise that people stay indoors on the news, what the hell?
No other country in the world reacts to snow like this…

It’s just snow people. It’s not like it’s made from frozen acid particles and will burn or melt your flesh. It’s not like it’s irradiated snow that will turn us all into mutants.
It’s just frozen water particles. Why the hell is that some kind of problem?

I didn’t really have a point, just thought it was funny.


Snowballed by the Homeless

Speaking of pointless, snow and funny. I found myself (As the title suggests) being bombarded with snowballs earlier today.

I was simply checking my bank balance when a snowball crashed against my arm.
“No problem” I thought to myself.
“It’s just some chavs being dicks as usual.”

So imagine my shock when I turned round and noticed a homeless man stood on the other side of the street sporting a wide toothy grin on his face. He pulled back his arm and suddenly I had a face full of snow.
I spat out some snow and then turned to leave, being hit by a couple more before I rounded a corner.

I genuinely didn’t know what to do at the time, I mean, what were my options?
Throw one back and engage in a friendly snowball fight with the man?
Yell at him?
Laugh at the little skamp, and inform him that he had successfully “punk’ed” me?
Leave?

Obviously I went with the latter.
I guess the reasoning was that it seemed to be the most neutral of the options, the one that involved the least interaction with the situation (which is a very British thought process). So I lowered my head and left.
If I’m honest, at the time I couldn’t even decided if I was mad at him.
After a little contemplation I’ve realised I’m not mad. That would be a really shitty reaction. It was just a man with tragic circumstances trying to have some fun, and who am I to judge that? Not to mention that it was just snowballs and I really can’t claim that they did any damage to me or even inconvenienced me a little.

I hope he snowballs the hell out of everyone in Bournemouth.
And I hope he enjoys every second of it.


Dan Doolan
and the search for the slightly disappointing YouTube clip.

Last month I was looking around the Internet and read that the Saddam execution video had found it’s way on to Youtube. Now, I’m not a disturbed person or anything but I guess morbid curiosity kicked in. Combine that with the brilliant excuse of him being an evil twat, which I used to tell myself that watching the video was sort of OK in some weird and twisted way, and I couldn’t help myself.

So I began my search.
Which turned out to be more difficult than I thought as I was using youtube, the place where retards with cameras go to play. Thousands of videos of pathetic twats discussing the footage I was looking for clogged up the search, not to mention all the people who put up fake ones. My favorite of which being the one that started as the real video but then turned to footage of a stuffed animal perched on a chair with a rope round it neck. The chair was then kicked away and the poor stuffed animal was hung from a ceiling fan to the sound of a “YAY!”.

So, basically 90% of the videos there were everything BUT Saddams execution, so it actually became a little bit challenging to find the full video on the net. And I couldn't help but think, is there a point when you have searched a little too hard to see a video of a man being hung? I think so and I think I probably surpassed that point.

Anywho, twenty-odd RickRolls or so later I finally found the footage I was looking for. I braced myself for the worst and clicked play.
And you know what? There is really nothing to see… just some home video camera footage of a man falling out of frame. Not sure it was wroth the RickRolls, the hung stuffed animals or the time. God only knows what had really inspired me to find the footage in the first place and I’ll probably feel guilty forever in the knowledge that I was vaguely disappointed it wasn’t more graphic.

Also, is it weird than when finally I saw the video all I could think about was how poor the production values were? I mean, it’s an important moment in history; they could of splashed out for a studio and an audience or something. A little bit like the lottery, that’s got a full studio and no one gives a shit about that.
In fact, why not put the lotto in a basement with a home video camera and let the execution use the studio. I love the idea that the footage would have had pantomime style reactions from the audience to go along with it.
Saying that, they could of also made the footage better by setting it to the Benny Hill theme.


So, that wasn’t so hard was it?
What do we think then, bloglettes a good idea?
More in the future or do I return to my usual formula?
Send your thoughts to
dan@areyoustilltalking.net

As always thanks for reading! (I do realise it is painful for some of you)
-- Dan


PS: I don’t have anything clever or witty to add in my PS this week. Come back next week.


PPS: I hope you don't think any less of me after that Youtube story.


PPPS: Take a look at the search labels/tags for this post, that's a pretty random collection of words.
Snow, Homeless, Saddam, Youtube, Bloglettes.