Tuesday, 4 November 2008

3:54am

It's 3:54am.
I'm watching my clock mockingly count every minute as I unsuccessfully attempt to fall asleep.
Well, not anymore. Now I'm writing this blog, so I am obviously not lying in my bed watching the clock and trying to get to sleep anymore.
Now I have given in to the harsh fact that I'm not getting to sleep anytime soon.

I'll be honest, I'm a thinker.
Alot of people think that just because I'm a big talker... that that somehow means I'm not a big thinker. I think its connected to the misconception that quiet people are quiet because they are thinkers, they don't externalise thoughts because its all going on in their heads, which must mean that people who talk alot don't have alot in their heads because they externalise all thoughts. But being honest, they are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I talk as much as I do because I think what I perceive to be an abnormal amount. I have to let as much out of my head as possible otherwise I think I would explode or meltdown or something. And as great as it is to know that I always have something to say. It would be nice to switch it off once in a while.

Especially when meeting new people and all they get from me as a first impression is that I'm just a dude who talks more than should be humanly possible. But I like to live under the illusion that even though I talk alot, there is usually a substance to my ramblings. I'm not just talking for the sake of it... but, an illusion is just that. The fact is I probably do just ramble, I appear to have very little control over it.
It's also a problem because it makes sleeping a more difficult task than it should be. On a GOOD night will take me a minimum of 1 hour to fall asleep. On a bad night I don't sleep at all. Sometimes its because they are holding illegal dog fights behind my crack-den of a building and the noise is simply too much. Or sometimes it's my overactive mind again, torturing me into yet another sleepless night.

I think it's the silence. It opens the flood gates. In the day I can let things out in little bursts through talking. I'm also distracted, and that holds me back, keeps my mind at bay to some extent. But at night when all distractions are gone and I'm lying in a dark and quiet room, my mind just goes into overdrive. Suddenly every thought is so potent and vivid that I feel as though I can't really fathom the detail of my own thoughts, but at the same time it all moves through my head so fast that I can't really latch on to any particular thoughts and keep it. It's almost like their is more information running through my head than my head can read at once, I get flashes of all kinds, portions of thoughts that slip away like a half remembered dreams. My overactive mind is an evil thing when it wants to be.

Is it insomnia? Or am I just an idiot who can't keep his mind in check?

God I hope it's not the last one, because if that's the case "not sleeping" is the last stop before my train hits crazy town. Or as my friend Scott once dubbed it "The Land of the Shoelace Impaired".

I doubt it's either. I over think.

I guess that’s just me.

Thanks for reading.

-- Dan

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